The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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