i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
