We named our party play list daddy issues
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
