Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
