all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
