Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
