there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
