I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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