This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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