You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
