He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
