i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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