People in love make me want to vomit
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
