I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
