i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
