I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
