Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
