We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
