Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
