He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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