I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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