if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
