Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
