What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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