I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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