Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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