so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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