I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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