DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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