i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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