Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
