i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
