i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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