honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
