I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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