I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
