Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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