So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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