I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
