somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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