he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
