if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
