from now on my penis is your penis
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize
