if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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