Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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