you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
