I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
