I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
