I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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