I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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